Category Archive: Uncategorized

May 31

Why Sucker Punch Sucks

1) The film has no heart. It just doesn’t- its a random collection of music videos bandied together loosely with a wafer thin plot. Its like a tech demo for the PS4. Think of the worst episode of manga you’ve ever seen and then imagine watching it on fast forward and you have a similar level of depth.

2) The acting is terrible. It’s like they are all reading off an autocue and the director was in a rush so he just finished after the first take. Worst of all the lead “Babydoll” played by Emily browning (yeah… I had to look her up too) is worse than awful. I hated her from the first minute. I wanted her to die from about 5 minutes in. Even worse is she is supposed to be this sexy dancer- and these moments when she actually tried to dance seductively were the greatest moments of comic relief in this. Massive miscast. Huge. They might as well CGI’d in the lead for all the emotion she brought to the role- or even just hired a porn star who at least could look sexy. Hell that’s actually harsh on porn stars- there’s acting in most of them better than you’ll find in sucker punch.

3) The plot is bad, in fact it’s barely there. Girl gets locked up by abusive father, plots really crap escape plan and executes it by going off into little dreamworlds. The escape plan isn’t exactly “Prison Break” here- it’s four words written down on a blackboard. It probably took someone 5 minutes to come up with it to try and hang their CGI scenes together.

4) The film is offensive to men and women- primarily by wasting your time but also just by being offensive. All men are slime balls, while girls can only be powerful and violent as long as they are dressed like sluts. Normally violent sexy women get a thumbs up (Sin City being a prime example) but hey this film is so god awful everything about it just makes you want to hate it.

5) The CGI sequences- I get it. Snyder wanted to play around with settings and dream up all this cool stuff and sell loads of toys at forbidden planet. The problem is none of it was that cool. If you’re going to do over the top manga style action then you must go over the top totally. After the first sequence everything is cool and all but nothing popped out as something I haven’t seen before- and throw in the vacuous acting and you’re tempted to hit fast forward.

6) Lack of coherence- so Snyder wanted to play with blue screens and different cgi worlds- but he missed out on an opportunity. Why not tell one fantastic story when Babydoll goes into her dream world rather than jump through different worlds- build some antagonists, build some characterisation, build some atmosphere, hell build something! You could of spent less on the cgi in the early scenes then gone all out in the last- that way the audience is going from 0-80mph rather than the steady 40 that this film hits us with.

7) It made money- it had a decent trailer. Then they dragged that trailer out for 90 minutes… it should have flopped- it should have served as a lesson that no plot= no money

8) Faux symbolism- I heard a discussion on this film that tried to argue that it had an intellectual layer of symbolism locking the dream world together with Babydoll’s real problems. These people are reading too much into this- trying to justify an awful film. Believe me a film where the main characters are shooting clockwork Nazis in high heels doesn’t have hidden depths. Get over it. It’s just a bad film. If you look hard enough you can read Shakespeare into Megashark vs Giant Octopus. Get over it

Apr 10

Why I miss the video store

Screw Netflix, lovefilm, Sky+, BTvision and all those guys. I miss the video store.

 

And no I’m not talking about the modern sanitised Blockbuster with its overpriced DVDs, five minutes of film on loop and aisles of popcorn. That came later. Blockbuster with its millions of copies is just a gateway drug to instant download.

I’m talking 80s VHS here. I’m talking a local shop next to an off licence- hell it could of even been a shelf in an off licence. These places rocked.

 

Remember having to ask when they would get a film in stock? Being so excited for the Ninja turtles film that you had to get it on order a month in advance?

The excitement of getting a call from the owner telling you it was finally in. No instant gratification here- these stores had two copies of new films. If they were out and a waiting list was enforced you were in big trouble (in little China).

 

Sometimes there was the golden moment of seeing the film you want out but then the door opens. What films are being returned? Could it be? It is! IT IS! A few times I stayed in the store for a while pretending to check out the latest Police Academy just in hope that the next box returned would be the one.

 

The disappointment of getting a film that was chewed up. Was it your tracking? (it never was) would the store owner think it was you?

 

Being on first name terms with the store owner and getting real recommendations. Now we get ”we recommend” pop up bollocks based on you buying the Sex in the City DVD for a girlfriend years ago- we used to have a store owner called Alf god dammit and Alf knew his action films. By god he did. An Alf recommendation meant an action classic was coming right up.

 

Old movie posters on sales for 50p, or even given to you for free if you looked wistful enough. Sometimes, just sometimes, there were the mega large posters, a coveted The Wizard poster or the holy grail- a card board cut out.

 

Some of my strongest memories of being a kid are from that store. The jubilation of winning a stunt kite in a “The Boy who could Fly” competition. The time I moaned so much at my Dad that I made him go back to the store to buy me a Predator computer game on the C64 (Yes he sold cheap C64 games too! What a place!)- man I was such a prick that day, and the game was rubbish I couldn’t even get off the first level, probably due to a strong feeling of shame.

 

Finally I remember near the end of its life when my dad started to betray Alf by taking us to another video store, not a Blockbuster, not yet, and I mentioned to him we’d seen a film elsewhere. The look on Alf’s face will haunt me to this day.

 

The store shut down a couple of years later, and the local stores and off licences stopped stocking films. A soulless Blockbuster came on the scene nearby and 20 years later now Blockbusters themselves are disappearing. The last remnant of walking into a video store is soon passed. Enjoy it while you can, even if it is a corporate watered down experience. Take time, browse around, ask the people behind the counter what they have seen, look at different sections. Browse the bargain bins and ask for free posters.

 

God bless you Alf, in my mind you are at peace somewhere watching the worlds largest 80s action film collection. A true hero. A man who lived the dream. I miss video stores.

Mar 25

Is Scream the best horror film of all time? Scream 4

If anyone asks me my favourite film I refuse to answer without them narrowing it down to genre. I mean for me it is too hard to compare a comedy with a romance, an action film with a drama or a horror with a sports film. That said I have favourite films for all these genres and whenever anyone asks me about horror I say Scream without hesitation.

Scream came out in 1996 and I had it’s poster on my wall. It changed everything. Before it horror was in the doldrums. The great horror films of the 80s had come and gone. Scream launched a revival of horror that led all the way up till Saw changed the game with the arrival of “torture porn”. Perhaps credit can also go to The Blair Witch Project but Scream in my mind is responsible for the ton of teen horror films that came in the late 90s and the 2000s. It was after all the highest grossing slasher film ever, and the film I regard as the best horror film of all time. The horror film that saved a genre.

What Scream did was to combine a tightly shot and produced horror film with a murder mystery and an angle that had never been used before. It recognised that horror films had almost become parodies of themselves and all followed a strict structure and rules. By using characters that knew these rules it crossed into something more than a simple horror film, adding elements of comedy and constantly toyed with the conventions of the genre. Its been done many times since but Scream really was mind-blowing the first time you saw it. It even had horror legitimacy in being directed by Was Craven, the horror legend of Nightmare on Elm Street fame.

Being so successful it spawned sequels.Of course it did- no film makes that money and just stops. It became a franchise. The ghost face mask became the last recourse of the lazy when Halloween came round. The sequels played on the horror conventions, managed to keep the cast together and by and large were good horror films. 2 is definitely better than 3 but 3 doesn’t really shame itself, and they withstand repeat viewings. Of course once you know who the killer is they aren’t the same, and they have nothing like the impact of Scream but still- good films.

Now we have Scream 4 that came out eleven years later. I guess with Scream 3′s takings and the change in the landscape with Saw, Hostel and a million shit found footage films the producers wanted to hold out. Still they have done a great job of reuniting the cast. Craven and Williamson are back directing and writing. The franchises main 3 characters all return- Campbell from Party of Five, former WCW champion Arquette and Monica from Friends. On top of this the film adds a ton of other semi famous actors in bit part roles. The cheerleader from Heroes, Annie from Community, the daughter from Friday Night Lights, one of the lads from Scott Pilgrim, Macaulay Culkin’s brother, and even fucking Teddy from Hang Time are in this film. Yes Teddy aka the star of Kangaroo Jack (discounting aforementioned kangaroo). It may be the best acting ensemble of all time (fuck you Oceans Eleven) and that’s even without spoiling a couple of guest appearances.

It keeps to the same formula, the mask, the phone calls, the loud noises whenever someone enters the room, and for the most part I have to say I liked it. The film keeps you on your toes with the killers identity, knowing full well that anyone who has seen any of the earlier films is trying to spot who they are. It’s angle this time is to attack Hollywood’s obsession with remakes- but it doesn’t come off so well. It’s like its thrown on top to justify this being a Scream film. Yes its cool to hear the cheerleader read out all the horror remakes made in the last ten years but it serves to take us away from the film rather than adding to it. In the first Scream the dialogue based on horror rules was integrated and coloured the casts’s actions rather than here where it is largely superfluous. On top of this there is a retarded social media angle, like the writers couldn’t decide which way to go, in the end they shoehorn in both and do neither justice.

Even worse it struggles to make you care for the characters in the way the original did. It’s a shame the film attacks torture porn for allowing a disconnect between the viewer and the victim because this is what happens here. Maybe its because of the acting, or the plot with too many characters but I simply didn’t care who lived or who died at all. In this era of basically being able to watch the most horrific things imaginable in the Saw franchise the stabbings of Scream wont stand out. Instead it is critical horror films focus on shocks and connecting with the characters. I just didn’t get that sense with Scream 4.

Saying that I have seen far worse films. The cast line up is awesome, the pacing of the structure is good, the writing is ok if not great and it manages to get a few jumps in. Which is what 90% of the people who watch Scream 4 want. And it reminded me of the original Scream- which is ace.

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